Tag Archives: editor

So you want to be a writer part 3

 

Last time, we touched on short stories, and no, I will never stop harping over how important it is to write short stories, especially at the onset of your journey to living as a successful writer. This time, however, I’m going to talk about fanfiction.

Fanfiction is very important. Fanfiction is a must for a writer. As a matter of fact, fanfiction is practically the only way a screen writer can become a working screen writer. Fanfiction is a story based on an existing world, and every writer needs to write fanfiction for a multitude of reasons, but let’s back up.

There was a time, about 20 or 30 years ago, when writers just like you were struggling to become successful, and honestly, not too much has changed. Even back then, and probably even as far back as 50 or 60 years ago, vanity presses existed, so self publishing is not the new fad the mainstream publishers are pretending it is, what has changed is the popularity and success of self publishing, but we’ll talk more about that later.

What I want to talk about is the process through which your predecessors became successful. There was a time when readers read these weird things called magazines (ma-guh-zeens), and magazines had pictures, and articles, and interviews, and ads, and short stories. Now, we see all this same stuff on Quora, Reddit, FaceBook, and other social media outlets, right? We see this stuff on websites, too. If you Google “fanfiction” all kinds of stuff will come up, right? If you Google “free short stories” all kinds of stuff will come up, right?

Well, 20 and 30 years ago, people subscribed to magazines for the same content. People don’t really subscribe to magazines anymore, but you still want to write, and you still want readers to read your stuff, right? That means you need to adapt to a changing environment, but the good news is that this environment has evolved to a stable level; enough writers have figured out how to game the system.

Last time, we talked about short stories, and they are perhaps the most important aspect of becoming a successful writer. Back in the day, writers submitted short stories to writing magazines, and they were paid pennies per word, and sometimes, they weren’t paid at all, but if the story was good enough (well edited and free of errors) it was printed in the magazine, and if readers enjoyed the story, the writer had a chance to become known, and if the writer became known and liked, the writer had a chance to submit a novel to a publisher and actually be taken seriously.

Yes, even 20 or 30 years ago, it was insanely difficult to become a published, mainstream writer. You have to go back about 100 years to reach a time when writing was easy. 100 years ago, all you had to do was be able to write a book from start to finish. Then, if you found an actual publisher, they used their editor to make sure the book was its best (hire an editor!) and the book was released to the public. 100 years ago, when half the American population didn’t know how to read, writing an entire book from start to finish was a major accomplishment, and anyone who had the time and gumption, yeah, gumption, to do so was taken seriously.

Today, practically everyone can read and write, and writing is mandatory, so writing a book from start to finish is no longer considered a big deal; everyone can do it, and actually, lots of people do do it. (Do do…but there’s no time for that now!)

Let’s get back to the present. If people aren’t really reading magazines anymore, where or what are they reading? Where were you reading before you started writing? FaceBook? Google+? LinkedIn? Maybe, you were trolling Barnes and Noble online for free material. Maybe, you were trolling Amazon for free material. Maybe, you were trolling FanFiction for free material. Maybe, you were trolling the web and stumbled onto a writer’s blog where they posted free material, so that’s where you have to post your work, and you need to post it for free, at least for now.

This is where fanfiction starts to become your key component. First and foremost, you have a favorite genre. You know what genre you enjoy, and you know what you want to write. You also know which shows, movies, books, video games, and comic books you enjoy. You want to be a successful writer, so you’re probably a nerd or a dork, and that’s okay; in fact, that’s great. Use it!

Go to where the nerds and dorks are, and give the nerds and dorks what they want. The nerds and dorks are at Wattpad, and Quotev, and especially FanFiction. Since you’re not yet trying to earn money from your novel, this also a great time to put into practice everything you learned from writing short stories.

Now, you’re going to learn the best way to structure an entire novel. You’re going to learn how to structure chapters, build suspense, slow or quicken the story’s pacing, and other integral aspects of writing. What better way than to practice with something you already know?

For one, it takes a little of the pressure off because you at least have an entire back story and cast. The problem then becomes staying true to the franchise. If you’re writing Superman fanfiction, and you make Clark Kent a popular, outgoing, ladies man, people will be turned off by your presentation. If you’re writing a Dragon Ball Z fanfiction, and you make Goku a coward, people will be very disappointed, so there is a different struggle, but if you know your subject matter inside and out, it shouldn’t be that difficult to stay true to the franchise. Then, you can focus on the technical aspects of novel writing.

At this point, you should be presenting your story as you write it (after reading what you wrote once or twice) on Wattpad, Quotev, and your blog, and sending out updates through social media.

Now, I’m gonna’ go on a bit of a detour here. Stay with me.

One of the best sites a writer can use is Goodreads. Goodreads has a blog. Readers participate in discussions. Readers and writers can join groups. Honestly, the same thing can be said for Google+ and LinkedIn, so take what I say about Goodreads, and apply it to Google+ and LinkedIn as well.

Now’s the perfect time to join groups, groups of readers, and groups of writers, and talk to the readers about what they like, and then invite them to look at your blog. Then, talk to writers about what they like, and invite them, too. Be courteous. Be respectful. Engage people as a person, not a salesman.

Post your fanfiction to Goodreads, Google+, and LinkedIn, and your personal blog, of course, and invite the people of each site to view the corresponding blog, which will also have a link back to your personal blog.

Listen to the feedback as you go along. Thank people for their time. DO NOT ENGAGE NEGATIVE PEOPLE.

Right now, If you’ve practiced writing short stories and are in the middle of writing your fanfiction, all you want to do is release something like a chapter per week to each of your blogs. It gives you something to blog about. It gives people something to read without demanding a commitment. It gives you the feeling of being a writer.

The reason you want to delay publishing your fanfiction to FanFiction is simple and important. FanFiction has some serious readers, and they expect, demand, a level of quality you may not yet be able to provide. They want their books free of errors, true to the franchise, and well structured. They want your fanfiction to be an actual book that sounds as though it was written by an actual writer, not someone who is trying to become a writer, so, for now, stick to the other sites, and get all the feedback you can get.

After your fanfiction has been written to completion, it’s time to go back and read your old short stories. You’ll have grown leaps and bounds as a writer and an editor by the time you finish your fanfiction novel. You’ll even pick up on nuances you weren’t able to grasp when you first began writing, so touch up your short stories and re-release them; it should be pretty easy to do so.

At this point, you also have something new to blog about, your journey as a writer, and you can invite people to read your updated stories. You can start getting professional covers for your short stories and your fanfiction.

It’s just as important to be a real person throughout this journey. Don’t even think about going around, telling everyone that your stuff is better than what’s out there, not yet, because right now, you want people to like you. If people like you, they will be more receptive to your posts, discussions, comments, and invitations.

Now is also a pretty good time to hire a competent editor who can teach you how to better write for an audience.

I have a style of writing that I enjoy employing, but it is not necessarily what readers enjoy reading, and it’s my job as a writer, who is charging for a product, to find a balance between what I enjoy and what my audience enjoys, hence the editing.

Regardless of what you think you know at this point, I cannot stress it enough that the best and most successful writers have the best editors. Editors are paramount. They read your work differently than you do, but you also have to be careful because until you’re published by a mainstream publisher, you’re going to have to hire your own editor. Of course, a lot of the mainstream editors are terrible anyway, I’ve written about that as well, but that’s not really the point because if you’re published by a mainstream publisher, you don’t have to spend your money, and you don’t have a say on what the book is like at the publication stage, see what I mean?

If you’re spending your money to hire an editor, you want someone who understands both the writing process and the reading process. If your publisher has an editor, which they force onto you then you have no say, no control, but their job is to sell books, and at the very least, a mainstream publisher will try to do that. This can’t be said about some of the smaller presses or hybrid presses unfortunately, but we’ll discuss different methods of publishing later on.

At any rate, once your fanfiction is polished to perfection, publish it to FanFiction. There are people—nerds, dorks, readers—trolling the site, looking specifically for stories about franchises they love; Supernatural, Twilight, The Hulk, Game of Thrones, Skyrim, and more. These readers are looking for something fresh, and new, and written by a competent fan, someone who enjoys the franchise as much as they do, and you want to be the person who supplies that fanfiction.

Why? Because if you do a good job, these dorks and nerds will become your loyal fans. These are the people who will buy your original novel. These are the people who will post a link to your work on their social media pages. These are the people who will generate buzz for your book. These are also the people who will tell you what they like and don’t like about your writing, so you will also learn what to do to please them, and you want to please them. Nerds and dorks are the foundation upon which all great writing is based. I should know; I’m one of them.

I have to add right here that I didn’t understand any of this when I started writing. I skipped so many integral steps that I really hindered my career. My only saving grace was that I had some really neat story ideas, but if I had followed the advice I’m giving now, I also would have applied these same principles to writing my original novel, and then, instead of zero sales on my quarterly reports for years, I might have actually made some money off my first books (even though they were terribly written).

Back to business now—treat your fanfiction novel as if it were your original novel. Get a professional cover made for it. Publish it to Smashwords. Be careful with copyrights, and be sure to let everyone know that the book is fanfiction and cannot be sold for a profit; for all intents and purposes, this book is your original novel, and you must use it to make a name for yourself, which also means it must be free of errors, well written, and engaging.

You may now be wondering what any of this has to do with magazines and the writers who started becoming successful 20 or 30 years ago. Well, here’s the deal. Since those magazines to which they submitted their stories don’t exist anymore, and whatever prints or digital prints there are are owned by those writers now, the mainstream publishers have purposefully built a barricade to keep out new writers.

I know, it sounds crazy, but I’m dead freaking serious. They have this special good ole’ boy club, and they have it because they are terrified. The mainstream writers have all run into a major disconnect with the fans, but this happens to every facet of the entertainment industry every decade or so.

Doesn’t music change drastically every ten years? Don’t movies and television shows change drastically every ten years? Do you know why? Because every ten to twenty years there’s a new generation of people; there’s a new culture with a new language, and a new set of goals, and the major companies can hardly keep up. The book publishers are the worst at keeping up, and that’s why they’re terrified of self publishers, but, and this is a big BUT! when they find a self published individual who is doing well, they try to swoop in and sign the writer.

This is exactly what happened to Christopher Paolini. This is kind of what happened to E. L. James.

You see, it used to be that in order to garner the attention of a literary agent, or even a publisher, one had to get published by those magazines. Now, since those magazines don’t exist, or are shutting writers out, an up and coming writer has to find a new way to break in to the world of reading, but hey, that’s exactly what I’ve been teaching you with these posts.

Right here, I want to add that it pisses me off the way The Huffington Post and other journals smear self published writing. If it’s so bad, why do the publishers and agents keep their eyes open for successful self published writers? Because self publishing is actually a great way to connect with new readers, and when a great self published writer is drawing attention, the major companies swoop in to steal, sorry, augment their success.

Well, at any rate, you want to be a writer. It’s why you’re reading this. Start by thinking about your idea. Join social media groups. Start taking part in group discussions with readers. Start reading what other up and coming writers are writing. Start your blogs now. Invite readers and writers to talk about what they like, and all the while, you can start writing your short stories.

Then, you’ll already have a network willing to look at your short stories, a network of writers and readers, which is important. Then, when the time is right, you can publish your short stories for free, and they’ll sit there, bringing you more and more fans. Next, write your fanfiction. Develop your voice, and really create a fan base. I can’t stress it enough, building a fan base before you release your debut novel is paramount, and using social media to send people to your site to buy your book doesn’t work—another topic for discussion later on.

Yes…this is going to take a great deal of effort on your part. Yes…this is going to take a long time. I know you want to write your novel today. Hell, you may have already written it and started shopping for literary agents or publishers, but without the world’s biggest rabbit’s foot, literary agents and publishers won’t take you seriously.

I’m not saying it’s impossible. In fact, it happens all the time; a first time writer writes a novel, and it gets picked up, but will that happen for you? What if it doesn’t? Shouldn’t you prepare for that possibility? Don’t you want to start off on the right foot with as many opportunities as possible?

What I’m trying to help you accomplish is the building of a solid foundation. If you follow the advice presented in these three posts, you can garner some serious attention for yourself, and then, if you want to go the mainstream route, you’ll have a better chance of being picked up by a literary agent or publisher because they want you to be marketable, they want you to bring them your fans, not the other way around. If you want to go the self publishing route, and there are numerous reasons to do so, you’ll already be setting yourself up for success in that field, too.

Now, don’t think this is the last post on how to become a successful writer. We’re only just beginning. Thanks for reading, and I implore you, if you have any kind of input; if you want to talk about your experience, your pitfalls, your successes, please share. I can’t help everyone by myself. Being an indie or self published writer doesn’t mean working alone; that’s a huge misconception. All it means is that I don’t have the backing of a major corporation, so let’s work together.

Readers, talk about what you like and don’t like. Writers, talk about your struggles and successes.

Don’t forget to check out my Editing Services. Thanks again.

Do plot holes matter?

Since Quora likes to collapse my answers in an effort to keep me quiet, I’m copying and pasting some of the Quora Q and A’s in which I’ve participated. Here’s a question from Quora.

Question: Do plot holes matter?

Addendum: … noting, of course, that some works of fiction are wonderfully, intentionally plotless.

Answer: Yes. Unequivocally, yes.

Now, I’m not sure exactly what the person who asked this question meant by adding that some great stories have no plot. I don’t know about that. Every story has a plot, but regardless, the point in contention is not the plot itself, but whether plot holes matter.

Yes, plot holes matter.

Nothing says, the author is a dumbass, like a plot hole.

Okay, let’s first consider what a plot is. The plot is nothing more than the main event around which the story is constructed. This means no matter how flimsy or banal, every story that has a beginning, middle, and end has a plot.

What is a plot hole then? A plot hole is an issue which nullifies the reliability and consistency of the plot.

Let’s look at Cujo for instance. I never read the book, but I saw the movie. Yeah, it’s an alright movie, but it’s actually really stupid because the first time your dog acts out the way Cujo did, any sensible human being, who is worried about their family, is going to either put the dog down, take it to a trainer, or let it go, right?

If that monster went to a trainer, what would the trainer suggest? Putting it down, right? End of movie, right? Dumbass plot hole, right?

Cujo has a major plot hole. The story doesn’t make sense in spite of the events that follow.

Yes, plot holes matter. No, they don’t matter at the same intensity for everyone. Yes, plenty of people can get past a plot hole if the other elements of the story are absolutely astounding, and when it comes to movies, often times, especially in the cases of horrors and slashers, we can give the plot a little leeway.

I love the Friday the Thirteenth movies. They are completely stupid, though, but hey, I’m rooting for Jason to kill ’em all.

When it comes to novel writing, however, a plot hole can totally kill the story and force the reader to put the book down and never read another story by that author, especially if the plot hole is blatant and simplistic.

At this point, it becomes important to make a distinction between an actual plot hole and a suspension of belief.

For instance, if I write a story about a zombie hunter, and in this world, the zombies can turn others into zombies with a bite, and I never have the zombie hunter get bitten, it’s a suspension of belief.

Being a good author, if I need to have such a thing happen, I’ll have the zombie hunter wear some protective gear to help with the suspension of belief.

However, if the zombie hunter does get bitten in this story, and he doesn’t turn into a zombie, that’s a plot hole. Wouldn’t you stop reading at that point? Wouldn’t you think I’m an idiot?

Now, there are some cases where such a thing can be repaired further in the story, but here an author has to be intelligent and creative, and all without insulting the intelligence of his the audience.

If, for example, in my zombie hunter story, the hunter is bitten, but doesn’t turn into a zombie, I can then add, a little ways into the plot, that he used to a be chemist, and he knew about the impending, zombie threat, and he actually found a way to immunize himself.

Do you see what I’m saying?

An author must force his characters into untenable situations in order to make them grow and develop, certainly. While writing, and then during the editing process, the writer needs to keep an eye open for holes in the story, though.

You see, readers are supposed to ride beside the protagonist, and learn, and grow, and feel what the characters feel, but a plot hole means the author didn’t take the time, didn’t give the audience enough respect, to properly direct the story. Yes, a writer must also be a director!

What’s worse is that often times an author, a writer, doesn’t hire an editor. An editor, a competent editor, will catch such a plot hole and at least make a suggestion on how to fix it.

When a writer chooses to both ignore the hole, and not hire an editor, and then release the poorly written story to the public, it becomes an insult to readers. This is not a problem specific to self publishing or indie publishing; numerous titles released by the mainstream publishers also have plot holes, so this is appropriately a publishing problem.

This isn’t a problem specific to novel writing, either; numerous movies, T.V. shows, and video games also have plot holes. The publishers of these media are called producers, though, so this is also a production problem, but whatever….

All I can add at this point is the following; readers, read the reviews of whatever it is that you’re buying, not just the 5 star reviews, go and look at the 1 star reviews, too.

Writers, hire an editor, a competent editor. Editing is extremely important. You can learn more about editing here.

Why didn’t Sauron simply place some guards over the access to Crack of Doom?

plot holes editor

Since Quora likes to collapse my answers in an effort to keep me quiet, I’m copying and pasting some of the Quora Q and A’s in which I’ve participated. Here’s a question from Quora.

This one sounds like a strange question, I know. It doesn’t really sound like it’s on the topic of writing and editing, but it really is.

Here’s the whole question: The Lord of the Rings (creative franchise): Why didn’t Sauron simply place some guards over the access to Crack of Doom?

My answer: The creator of the series wasn’t bright enough to see it’s flaws.

That’s the truth of it right there. There’s a lot of writers–screen writers, novelists, journalists, all kinds–living and dead, past and gone, and those coming up now–either they aren’t bright enough to see their flaws, or their editors aren’t bright enough to catch the flaws.

Now, specifically, in Tolkien’s case, he croaked, and subsequently his son was so amazed by the story that he missed the obvious.

Look at the movies, though; there’s a reason 90% of the books’ content didn’t make it into the movies–Tom Bombodil and a whole bunch of other characters and events–the books suck, they’re written by someone with a colorful but limited imagination. They’re a cliched good versus evil match up with the underdog coming out on top by just walking somewhere, and in the mix, there’s some Germanic Folklore, but Tolkien didn’t invent elves, dwarves, or anything else; even hobbits are really just gnomes. There are better books….

The thing is is that a great many writers, stories, movies, franchises, etc., have tons of flaws or plot holes.

One of the movies I hate the most? Prometheus

Why? It’s filled with plot holes!

I wasn’t even able to finish the movie, but here’s why.

The geologist tosses his flying, spherical devices into the air, remember? They’re scanning for molecular makeup, and hey, they don’t pick up any DNA–as if living molecules aren’t also made of minerals or metals, but that’s alright; I got past that.

Then, the storm hit, and everyone’s rushing back to the ship, remember? The groups get back to the ship, and they can’t find the geologist and his partner, and they’re worried, and they’re all scrambling, and then they see them on the camera, which the captain was monitoring…….?

Okay, first of all, they were all in communications, so when the other groups started freaking out, the geologist and his partner would have said: “Don’t worry guys, we’re coming.” At the very least, their scrambling commotion would have been heard by someone else, but that’s not the point: the other groups called for them, questioning their absence, and they would certainly have replied.

Furthermore, the captain was watching the screens the whole time, so he must have, at some point, witnessed the geologist and his partner trying to make their way from the caves.

PLOT HOLES=BAD WRITING/BAD EDITING

Maybe this kind of stuff doesn’t bother you. Maybe you don’t catch this kind of stuff when you read or watch movies, but I do, and so do lots of other people.

If you’re going to be a writer, it becomes imperative to catch this kind of stuff. It also becomes important to try to figure out how to solve these issues–plot holes. In the end, you may just need an editor to make certain you have no plot holes; avid readers do hate them, and you don’t want your story to fail because of a simple oversight, right?

Hire an editor. It can’t hurt. Hire me as your editor. You can find my services here.

How many words should my novel be

Since Quora likes to collapse my answers in an effort to keep me quiet, I’m copying and pasting some of the Quora Q and A’s in which I’ve participated. Here’s a question from Quora.

Question: How many words should my novel be?

My answer: There’s no simple answer or formula for the proper length of a novel.

My personal take is that a novel should not be for both children and adults. If it’s written in a simple tone for children, adults will review it as sounding childlike, and they won’t enjoy it. If it’s written in an advanced tone to cater to adults, children will find it incomprehensible. Furthermore, the length of either should vary; children have a shorter attention span, right?

Do as you will.

In answer to the question, though, it should only be as long as it needs to be to drive the story from beginning to end. There’s no set number of words. Too few, and it’ll read choppy. Too many, and it’ll drag out.

My advice is to write it, proof it, have it beta read, and then hire an editor.

Striving to work within the confines of a word limit is counter productive to both creativity and joy.

First and foremost, as a writer, it’s important to enjoy writing your novel, so just write it. Once it’s down, read it, and have others read it before its release. People will tell you if it feels like the chapters are too long, too short, if the story feels empty, sluggish, or whatever.

The best way to approach novel writing is to just get the whole story down. Once it’s down, get away from it for a bit. Then, go back and read it as a reader. You will find your own issues with it. You can then fatten it up as much as you like. If there’s too much in there as it is, you can cut out whatever doesn’t need to be there.

In the end, especially if you’re a novice writer, it’s really important to hire an editor. An editor can go through your story and help you cut what doesn’t need to be there. An editor can help you restructure sentences, paragraphs, scenes, and chapters. An editor, a competent editor, will help you to prepare your book for an audience, an audience who will be extra critical of your work because they have purchased a product they expect to hold quality content–good writing.

If you think you might need an editor, check out my editing tab.

conjunctions and prepositions are freakin weird

This copied and pasted from my blog on Quora

Words, all words, are used to modify an idea. Words are used to interpret and present a molded block of thoughts, emotions, and ideas. Punctuation, grammar, sentence structure; these facets of writing and editing are in existence in order to best relay one person’s ideas, emotions, thoughts, and experiences to another. If the words aren’t used correctly, they create confusion, or they make no modifications at all. If the word isn’t making a modification, it must be cut when dealing with written language.

Conjunctions tie together clauses or ideas. That is how conjunctions mold and modify.

He was going to go to the store, but it was raining, so he stayed home.

Some will argue that one can start sentences with a conjunction. Sometimes one can do so, but keep in mind that by definition, conjunctions tie ideas together, so it might be senseless. Let’s begin with a comment left by a wonderful visitor on my personal blog:

“Actually, you can start a sentence with a conjunction according to the Chicago Manual of style. They encourage it. And for the publishing world, the Chicago Manual of style is the bible. But otherwise, I agree with you. Fragments are all too common in bestselling books these days. However, all those fragments sound awesome as an audiobook. The narrator is able to deliver them in rapid succession and keep the listener on the edge of her seat. It makes me wonder if this book was written for the reader or the listener because there is a difference. Forgive me for nettling you. I had to read the Chicago Manual of style in grad school cover to cover. So when I read your assertion, I flashed back to those terrible nights memorizing that tome (and fantasizing about using it as a weapon). Otherwise, you have an excellent post, sir. Have a wonderful weekend.”

To her comment, I replied:

“Thanks for commenting. I will never advise a writer to start a sentence outside of dialogue with a conjunction. I also won’t ever scorn a writer for doing so. I will scorn an editor for allowing it, though, especially when they forget to apply all the other rules. Such a thing has been drilled in us since the 1st grade–remember FANBOYS?–so starting with a conjunction, for me, is absolutely incorrect, and there are plenty of resources that solidify this proper application of rules.

“I understand fully what you mean about the pacing of those fragments in question when heard versus read, but the proper punctuation paired with a great performer will still have the same effect. In the end, my most prominent complaint is that this is a book. This is a book released by a fairly prestigious press. Editors have supposedly combed through it in order to present the reader–the buyer–a finished product, and it reads to me like a first draft, but the real issue is that this is happening with numerous books from numerous presses, and all the while, literary agents are telling new authors not to submit their MS without having it edited; so I ask: to what end?

“These editors, the ones employed by the big presses, are doing a terrible disservice to readers and writers alike, and all the while, they sit there, obviously not doing anything, and receiving sixty, seventy thousand dollars a year. Maybe more? It angers me, and I won’t stand for it.

“Thanks again for commenting. I cherish everyone’s opinion, and in the end, what really matters is that readers enjoy what they purchased. It’s to that end, however, that I will continue to provide people, who are interested, with the correct way of writing, so that our reading skills, writing skills, and speaking skills might begin to improve rather than decline.”

After that, I had to check The Chicago Manual of Style.

https://storiesbydennis.com?… This link is to that older post, and there you will actually see pictures from The Chicago Manual of Style. I then typed it all out, and guess what? Nowhere does it encourage such behavior—starting a sentence with a conjunction.

This is exactly what the Manual states:

5.206 Beginning a sentence with a conjunction.

There is a widespread belief–one with no historical or grammatical foundation–that it is an error to begin a sentence with a conjunction such as and, but, or so. In fact, a substantial percentage (often as many as 10 percent) of the sentences in first-rate writing begin with conjunctions. It has been so for centuries, and even the most conservative grammarians have followed this practice. Charles Allen Lloyd’s 1938 words fairly sum up the situation as it stands even today:

Next to the groundless notion this it is incorrect to end an English sentence with a preposition, perhaps the most wide-spread of the many false beliefs about the use of our language is the equally groundless notion that it is incorrect to begin one with “but” or “and.” As in the case of the superstition about the prepositional ending, no textbook supports it, but apparently about half of our teachers of English go out of their way to handicap their pupils by inculcating it. One cannot help wondering whether those who teach such a monstrous doctrine ever read any English themselves.

Still, but as an adversative conjunction can occasionally be unclear at the beginning of a sentence. Evaluate the contrasting force of the but in question, and see whether the needed word is really and; if and can be substituted, then but is certainly the wrong word. Consider this example: He went to school this morning. But he left his lunchbox on the kitchen table. Between those sentences is an elliptical idea, since the two actions are in no way contradictory. What is implied is something like this: He went to school, intending to have lunch there, but he left his lunch behind. Because and would have made sense in the passage as originally stated, but is not the right word–the idea for the contrastive but should be explicit. To sum up, then, but is a perfectly proper word to open a sentence, but only if that idea it introduces truly contrasts with what precedes. For that matter, but is often an effective word for introducing a paragraph that develops an idea contrary to the one preceding it.

That is the end of this moron’s rant from within The Chicago Manual of Style.

Did you notice he never once started with a conjunction?! Amazing, right? I never read a rule that states you don’t use two articles before a noun either, but it’s generally accepted that such a thing is wrong, right?

You never write: The a duck quacked. Right?

Now, let’s really explore this conjunction business.

To begin with, it is stated that a single person–Lloyd–feels it is alright to start a sentence with a conjunction–one guy! Second, he makes a completely incorrect assumption within his own context.

Evaluate the contrasting force of the but in question, and see whether the needed word is really and; if and can be substituted, then but is certainly the wrong word. Consider this example: He went to school this morning. But he left his lunchbox on the kitchen table. Between those sentences is an elliptical idea, since the two actions are in no way contradictory. What is implied is something like this: He went to school, intending to have lunch there, but he left his lunch behind.

First of all, but is not always but. Sometimes, but can be replaced by however, or except, or yet, so it is imperative to know what you mean when you write but. Second, the correct sentence is: He went to school, but he left his lunchbox on the kitchen table.

Now, now, that the but in question is separated by the comma, and it is no longer the beginning of the sentence, everything Lloyd said becomes moot, hence; you do not start a sentence with but. That solves everything that moron just said regarding but and and. All the confusion is over! Furthermore, starting with a conjunction: But he left his lunchbox on the kitchen table is not a sentence. It isn’t even a fragment because the main clause, and the only clause, is: He left his lunchbox on the kitchen table.

Thus, because of the of the fact that first sentence ends, the second sentence is no longer modified by the conjunction but, which means the second sentence—the second clause—is not only no longer modifying the first clause, but the second clause, which is supposed to be a sub-clause, is also no longer modified by the conjunction (its own conjunction), which is why but must be dropped or tied into the original clause by way of a comma preceding the conjunction.

He went to school this morning, but he left his lunchbox on the kitchen table.

Beyond that, to say that his two broken sentences imply the following: Between those sentences is an elliptical idea, since the two actions are in no way contradictory. What is implied is something like this: He went to school, intending to have lunch there, but he left his lunch behind. No, it isn’t.

What’s implied is that on every other occasion that he went to school, he brought his lunchbox. This time, however, he did not bring it. That’s what’s implied and nothing else. More might be inferred by you, the reader, but nothing else is stated or implied. Lloyd is a complete moron who doesn’t understand the English language.

It’s clear to me, that Lloyd is implying that his second sentence could have been started with However, and in that case, he would be right because However isn’t one of the FANBOYS conjunctions with which we do not usually start a sentence.

The sentence in question then becomes: However, he left his lunchbox on the kitchen table.

I do believe such a sentence is acceptable, but I suggest one finds a better way to write it in prose.

Now, let’s get back to something else that was presented: In fact, a substantial percentage (often as many as 10 percent) of the sentences in first-rate writing begin with conjunctions.

10% is hardly substantial! Moreover, who decides what is first-rate writing? Which books are we referencing specifically? Which authors? On top of that, are we discussing those 10% of sentences all of which are dialogue? Are the conjunctions in question actually conjunctions?

You do not start a sentence with a conjunction if it can be avoided. It’s that simple. If you hire me as an editor, I will tell you not to do it unless it is absolutely unavoidable.

Now, let’s find out exactly what’s going on with these crazy conjunctions. Remember, they are used to tie together clauses. They can’t tie anything together if they aren’t part of the same sentence, if they are at the beginning of a clause!

He was going to go to the store. But it was raining. So he stayed home.

Those conjunctions aren’t doing anything by being at the beginning of those sentences. That’s why they shouldn’t be there.

He was going to go to the store. It was raining. He stayed home.

That’s the same exact information, so why the use of conjunctions?

For one, properly employing conjunctions to tie ideas together sounds better to the ear than the preceding example. Two, using conjunctions allows a reader to glean more complex information out of one single sentence. However, if writers are going to use conjunctions, they must use them properly.

He was going to go to the store, but it was raining, so he stayed home.

That’s the right way to write that single sentence with the conjunctions. There are, however, instances where such a thing, beginning with a conjunction, is permissible.

For a big man, he moved with grace.

For is a conjunction, and it is one of the FANBOYS conjunctions, but it isn’t acting like a conjunction in that sentence. It is not conjoining ideas or clauses. Why use it then? What is it doing?

A big man, he moved with grace.

Well that’s not a sentence! In the above example, removing the conjunction obliterates the sentence. It no longer makes sense. For, however, is not acting like a conjunction in that example; it’s like the letter Y, which is not always a vowel. In the case above, For is directly linked to the other words: a big man. Together, they form a restrictive element of sorts, which states something important. It’s the same with the word as.

As far as he knew, it was a solid, business investment.

So you see, (I started with a conjunction) it’s important to understand when a conjunction is really conjunction. I believe that was the point Lloyd was trying to make in his clumsy way, but the thing is that I’m writing this post in the same manner that I speak to people. I am not writing this post as prose in a novel.

When it comes to writing a novel, a journal article, a report of some kind, there may well be a better way to present the information, and that’s where an editor comes in handy. An editor needs to make certain that prose doesn’t sound like dialogue. (Unless, of course, that’s the author’s wish. Nevertheless, don’t begin a sentence with a modifier that isn’t modifying anything.)

For a big man, he moved with grace.

Perhaps, a better way to write that sentence is the following: Although he was a big man, he moved with grace. For all intents and purposes, that’s the correct way to write out the idea that regardless, and in fact, surprisingly, a big man moved gracefully.

Now, we all know although is a conjunction, but it is not one of the conjunctions that pertain to FANBOYS, which are also considered coordinators, and this is a great distinction to make.

Coordinators express a relationship between related words, phrases, or clauses, without which, a reader is left to draw their own conclusions; another point Lloyd tried to make. If such a coordinator is placed at the beginning of a sentence, how and where is it expressing that relationship?! Do you see?! It becomes useless and shouldn’t be there because it isn’t doing anything. That’s the rule; don’t use a word that isn’t doing anything.

The but in but he stayed home, isn’t relating anything to anything else. The although in although he was a big man, is relating the girth of the man with his ability to move with grace. However, it might still be presented in a more efficient manner.

Considering that he was a big man, he moved gracefully.

That’s dead on, but will it work for your novel? Will it work for your voice? Will it work for that particular scene or paragraph? Will that phrase stand alone, or will there be other phrases? Let’s look:

John was a ballet dancer. At six feet tall, he weighed a whopping three hundred pounds. For a big man, he moved with grace.

That’s an entire paragraph, and since the last sentence is the one starting with the conjunction, I advise against using that particular conjunction; in fact, I advise writing that whole paragraph in a different fashion.

Despite his being six feet tall and three hundred pounds, John was a graceful ballet dancer.

See, now we’re back to showing versus telling and less is more. I can now provide much more detail, much more story, in the paragraph because I’ve only used one sentence.

Despite his being six feet tall and three hundred pounds, John was a graceful ballet dancer. He had trained with the famous Russian performer, Mikhail Baryshnikov, so it was no wonder the hefty dancer moved so artfully. On the stage, John was like magic in motion.

I still have only three sentences there. Which paragraph is better? The second one, right? Why? I utilized correct writing.

Are we on board? Are we staring to understand why one avoids the use of opening sentences with conjunctions? What must be asked when opening a sentence with a conjunctions is: is my conjunction modifying the sentence in which it has been placed?

If the answer is no then the conjunction should either be removed, or the previous sentence, the one actually being modified, should not have ended.

To switch tactics, I want to point out that Lloyd also argued it isn’t incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition, but then, what is a preposition? What does it do?

A preposition acts as a reference. It is a governing word that expresses a relation to another element within a clause. For example:

The man standing on the sidewalk wore a hat.

There is a relationship between the man and the sidewalk denoted by the word on. If the preposition is at the end of the sentence, it isn’t expressing the relationship; so what is it doing? Nothing, and that’s the rule. You don’t utilize a word that isn’t doing anything.

It was the sidewalk that man with the hat was standing on.

That’s wrong. On is no longer able to do its job.

It was the sidewalk on which the man with the hat was standing.

That’s the correct way to write that sentence, but it’s so ugly, right? That’s why we write: The man standing on the sidewalk wore a hat. Another example might be:

What are you talking about?

That phrase also ended with a preposition, and people certainly talk that way. I talk that way, but a writer shouldn’t write prose the way they speak. As a matter of fact, if one considers the meaning of the question, something interesting happens. Let’s see what I mean:

What are you talking about?

This question is actually asking to clarify some information, so more appropriately, one should write:

Of what do you speak?

What are you saying?

What are you trying to tell me?

Can you clarify?

Obviously, when writing dialogue, the idea is to present natural conversation; it makes the characters real, relatable, and genuine, and dialogue shouldn’t sound like prose. Anyone who speaks to you with the above phrases sounds like a pretentious douche, right? This is why I always state that dialogue can break most rules of English writing.

If you start talking to me about physics, and I don’t get what you’re saying, I’ll ask: What are you talking about? As a writer, however, it becomes my responsibility to provide clear information, which is to say, it’s my job to prevent a reader from inferring or drawing their own conclusions. When I write prose, my readers have no choice but to grasp the information I provide the way I intend for it to be processed.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t utilize plot twists, which force a reader to believe in an event that hasn’t actually occurred. It just means that when I want to portray confusion, I’ll confuse the reader without their knowing they’ve been confused, not by utilizing poor and confusing writing elements, but quite the contrary, by employing the correct writing elements.

Now, that said, while I write my story, I certainly type it out in the same manner I speak, the same manner I think; writing is just the art of putting thoughts into words, and that’s fine. At the end of my first draft, everything I complain about in my posts is present, but it’s during the editing process that I fix everything, so that everything presented is presented in an accurate and correct manner; this is why writers use editors. This is why the big publishers use editors. This is why literary agents demand edited manuscripts. This is also why I’m so mad about this editing business, these novels that aren’t properly edited, and these publishers who are crapping all over the English language; and then there’s all the misinformation circulating!

Many writers don’t have a stomach for editing. There’s nothing wrong with that. Many editors lack the creativity to write enrapturing stories. There’s nothing wrong with that either. It’s imperative that a creative writer is paired with a technical editor, and sometimes it’s imperative that a technical writer is paired with a creative editor; not all writers and editors can collaborate effectively. That’s why writers need to shop for the right editor.

Now, there are some writers, great writers, who are neither creative nor technical. They can’t write their way out of a paper bag, but that doesn’t stop them from being successful. If they have an interesting story, they just need extra help transforming the accounts of the story into an experience.

None of this, however, is an excuse for releasing a poorly written novel, and then charging the audience, and that’s precisely what aggravates the crap out of me. You’ve all read my posts in which I chew out both indie titles and mainstream titles, and it’s because those publishers either didn’t hire an editor at all, or the editors who lent their “expertise” didn’t know what they were doing.

That’s not to say that the story hidden amidst the mess isn’t worth reading, but it just isn’t right to charge someone for a novel that reads like a first draft. Editors today make big, big money, and a lot of them aren’t doing their job, and now, it’s becoming increasingly acceptable to release, promote, and sell poor writing. On top of that, many indie writers or debut writers are being shot down by literary agents and publishers because their manuscript isn’t properly edited, but what’s the point? The publishers turn a properly edited manuscript into dreck with their own editors!

Maybe I’m wrong to criticize those writers, editors, and publishers if readers enjoy the dreck, or maybe those readers don’t know any better because everything out on the market today is crap. If you’ve grown up eating fast food your whole life, you won’t know how much better fine dining is, right? If you’ve ever only worn clothes by Banana Republic, you won’t know the quality of Armani, right?

Now, I get it; there’s nothing wrong with liking what you like. Some people love cheeseburgers and don’t give a crap about seared ahi tuna. Some people love their Old Navy skinny chinos and don’t give a crap about wearing Armani. I get it. All I’m trying to do is let people know that there is a right way to write, and a wrong way, and what the difference is. I’m not suggesting to you what to enjoy or what more often sells.

I’m just very passionate about the written word, and it is my sincere belief that someone needs to stand up and show people the right way to write and edit, and why the right way is superior to the crap out on the market. In the end, if you don’t like my style, if you don’t like the correct way to write, that’s okay, but maybe you just didn’t know any better until I came along.

If you’re reading this, and you’re a reader who loves the books I call crap, that’s great. I’m very glad that you enjoyed your little vacation, which is what a novel is supposed to be, a reprieve from the hum-drum of reality. I’m glad you don’t feel ripped off by the poor writing. It’s your satisfaction that matters. I said it last time: we writers are a fart in the wind without you readers, and I will always cherish your opinions.

However, have you tried reading books that are well written? Have you, by chance, read a book that everyone loves and wondered why, all the while thinking, it reads like crap! Maybe that’s because you have a more refined palate and care for superior storytelling.

If you’re reading this, and you’re a writer who thinks the rules don’t apply to your writing, I won’t dream of telling you that you must do as I say. If your novels are selling like hotcakes and all your readers adore your books then that’s just aces. I’m very glad for you. I want everyone to succeed, especially when doing what they enjoy.

If you’re reading this, and you’re a writer who is wondering why other writers give you great reviews but readers are giving you scathing reviews, maybe it’s because you’re in need of a competent editor. There’s no shame in that. Most people can’t create a work of art all on their own. Writers usually need a cover artist, an editor, proof readers, promoters, reviewers, and publishers; that’s why there’s an entire industry built on publishing books, but that’s exactly my point: an entire industry must be able to release quality writing, or they are doing their audience a disservice, especially considering just how much they are charging for their e-books and how much overhead they are keeping from their writers.

However, if no one is pointing this out to anyone then the problem will remain unsolved. I am trying to solve that problem.

If you’re an editor, and you’re reading this, I sincerely implore you to comment, for better or worse; if you find my ideas invalid or erroneous, I’d certainly like to hear to your opinion. Perhaps, you agree with me. In that case, please comment, and show your support for quality writing.

If you’re a publisher reading this, you need to get on the ball. Your job is to consistently release quality content to consumers. Your job is also to help writers sound like they know their craft. Editors are supposed to be the unsung heroes, the ones behind the scenes, right? Haven’t you wondered why more and more people are going the indie route? It isn’t because the artists can’t hold up to your standards. It isn’t because the consumers are dumb. It’s because everyone is getting tired of purchasing indolent garbage at an outrageous price.

Look at the indie market. Movies are going indie. Actors, producers, screen writers, and musicians are going indie. Programmers are going indie. Comic book artists and writers are going indie. Directors and video editors are going indie. It isn’t because they can’t hack it in the major leagues. There are numerous indie platforms, and indie artists are collaborating with indie reviewers, promoters, and publishers because the audience is screaming for quality content. They want something new. They demand something of quality.

The dinosaur mentality of I been doin’ this thirty years has come to an end. People are waking up. People want to feel like they received their money’s worth. New artists of all shapes and sizes are taking the world by storm. Not only am I one of them, but I want to help others in the same boat.

That’s precisely why I’m offering my editing services. For one, I will continue to provide tips through my blogs, so those writers out there who only need a new perspective can read, for free, my advice and explanations and move on.

Two, I’ll continue to answer questions on Quora, although I’ll be referring everyone more and more often to this blog. Moreover, Quora has begun to flag my answers because I sometimes refer people to other sites. I thought we were supposed to do that in order to prove that our answers are valid, but the moderators want to be turds, so I’ll be answering fewer questions. If you have a question, ask it on the blog in the comments section, and I’ll answer.

Three, I’m providing readers with a better experience. I’m trying to show them that if they don’t like the mainstream mess, there is an alternative.

Four, for those writers out there who love to write, but hate editing, they can find someone they trust who understands how best to provide information—a reading experience. They can read through all of my posts, and if they like what I’m puttin’ down, they can hire me to clean up their work, and make it presentable.

If you disagree, if you don’t like me, if you’ve got it all figured out, great; I’m happy for you. If you’re successful then you don’t need me. Move on. If, on the other hand, you’re just starting out, or you’ve been at the game for a while and haven’t made much headway, I want you to know you have a friend in me. I’m right here, and you can even hire me.

Thanks, everyone, for reading. Stay tuned for next week’s post. I’ll be discussing how to come up with an idea for writing your first story. My website is in my profile. I’d hate to get flagged again by Quora vigilants. Thanks again.

Bt dubbz, Quora is giving me a hard time, and they’re even automatically collapsing my answers.

Make sure to check out my editing services tab, too!

Editing One Shot by Lee Child

self aggrandizing aaron

Why am I editing One Shot by Lee Child?

Because Delacorte Press, who is selling this abortion at $9.99 is destroying the written word.

Let’s look.

Friday. Five o’clock in the afternoon. Maybe the hardest time to move unobserved through the city. Or maybe the easiest. Because at five o’clock on a Friday nobody pays attention to anything. Except the road ahead.

The man with the rifle drove north. Not fast, not slow. Not drawing attention. Not standing out. He was in a light-colored minivan that had seen better days. He was alone behind the wheel. He was wearing a light-colored raincoat and the kind of shapeless light-colored beanie hat that old guys wear on the golf course when the sun is out or the rain is falling. The hat had a two-tone red band all around it. It was pulled down low. The coat was buttoned up high. The man was wearing sunglasses, even though the van had dark windows and the sky was cloudy. And he was wearing gloves, even though winter was three months away and the weather wasn’t cold.

Traffic slowed to a crawl where First Street started up a hill. Then it sopped completely where two lanes became one because the blacktop was torn up for construction. There was construction all over town. Driving had been a nightmare for a year. Holes in the road, gravel trucks, concrete trucks, blacktop spreaders. The man with the rifle lifted his hand off the wheel. Pulled back his cuff. Checked his watch.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

Everything about this writing is absolutely atrocious.

First, Friday, is not a sentence. Second, neither is Five o’clock in the afternoon; this entire thing is riddled with sentence fragments, and one doesn’t start a sentence with a conjunction, so the sentence or maybe the easiest, is also wrong. Furthermore, the paragraph meanders into and out of numerous ideas. Also, the tenses are confused. These three paragraphs are some of the worst writing I have ever seen.

We are given tons of useless information and out of sequence. Moreover, the level of writing is that of a 5th grader. How many staccato sentences started with the or he? How many broken ideas were provided over and over?

Normally, when a writer finishes a manuscript, they hire an editor, and the editor fixes all these discrepancies. Then, the writer submits the revised manuscript to a literary agent, who tries to find a publisher. If the agent finds a publisher, another team of editors is supposed to clean up the story even more to make it ready for the readers before publication. None of that seems to have happened here.

On top of the poor, physical structure and incorrect punctuation, a great deal of useless and redundant information is provided in a broken form, and still beyond that, there are numerous words reused, and all throughout several, choppy sentences.

This whole mess is what is ruining the art of writing, the joy of reading; people want to give indie writers a hard time for a lack of editing and poor storytelling, but this is One Shot, which became the movie Jack Reacher. I ask you, you writers, how does it feel to see this horrible writing receive praise? Readers, you just wait until after I edit this abomination.

****

Five o’clock on a Friday afternoon is the hardest time to move unobserved through the city, or quite possibly the easiest, since nobody pays attention to anything except the road ahead.

Bang, turned 6 sentence fragments into a single sentence, which rather than hinting at surreptitious behavior, it provides it point blank.

A man sat behind the wheel of a weather beaten mini van; his rifle was his sole companion as he drove north. In an effort to remain inconspicuous, he maintained the speed limit. Occasionally, he glanced through sunglasses, glossing over a multitude of vehicles.

Boom, separated the actual event from the mess regarding all the clothes he wore and why. Also, I set the mood by stating clearly that the man is acting surreptitiously. Everything we need to know is presented; he is alone, he has a rifle, he is on a packed road, and he is acting strangely.

Traffic slowed to crawl. Construction all up and down First Street cluttered the cars from a two lane blacktop to a busted up single lane. Tugging down on his newsy cap, the man peered over his shades and through darkened windows; work crews chatted while gravel trucks and asphalt spreaders lazily rode on by.

The man’s coat and the time of year doesn’t apply at this point in the story. The golf beanie to which Child referred isn’t a golf beanie at all; judging by the description, it is called a newsy cap, and it is the least of our concerns as readers. Moreover, we can now see the scene in all its glory; the road crew is out and traffic is muddled up; simplicity is key; simplicity is elegance. Readers aren’t stupid; they don’t need every, single, little, tiny detail listed off as minutia.

Forced to a stop, the man let out a huff, gripping his wheel tighter. The gloves covering his hands squeaked, and he shifted a finger from the wheel to fiddle with the top button of his rain jacket. A cloudy sky was certainly threatening rain, but a little water was of no concern; the eyes of men were, however, and he tugged his collar up, covering his cheek.

Rather than having everything light-colored, which is of no consequence, we see action. I have provided a scene rather than empty, sentence fragments, most of which started with the man, the hat, the van, the, the, the…. What I present is clearly a man trying to hide, and he his annoyed or perhaps worried by the mess on the street, which is important to point out, given the opening sentence, yet I have not kept readers at arms length by telling them these details; I have shown them. I even revealed that he isn’t covered up because of weather, but I stuck such a detail inside the key idea.

Gritting his teeth, the man slid back a beige sleeve to check his watch. It displayed Five O’ One. A minute down, and yet the road had sat in disrepair for a year.

With these two sentences, I gave readers a sense of urgency, which is presumably what the book intended, and still I mentioned that it had been a year since the road was under construction, not that it even matters; it isn’t relevant—how long it’s been under construction—all that is relevant is that it is currently under construction.

All of this is exactly what I mean when I say that writers provide a dry report of events, and editors turn those accounts into a story. It is unfortunate that such a great story has been mired beneath broken thoughts, and worse still that a large publisher and its editors can’t do their jobs, and perhaps the most devastating thing to us all is that this bad writing has become the norm; Dickens is certainly spinning in his grave.

Now, let’s put the two in sequence and see which is better.

****

Friday. Five o’clock in the afternoon. Maybe the hardest time to move unobserved through the city. Or maybe the easiest. Because at five o’clock on a Friday nobody pays attention to anything. Except the road ahead.

The man with the rifle drove north. Not fast, not slow. Not drawing attention. Not standing out. He was in a light-colored minivan that had seen better days. He was alone behind the wheel. He was wearing a light-colored raincoat and the kind of shapeless light-colored beanie hat that old guys wear on the golf course when the sun is out or the rain is falling. The hat had a two-tone red band all around it. It was pulled down low. The coat was buttoned up high. The man was wearing sunglasses, even though the van had dark windows and the sky was cloudy. And he was wearing gloves, even though winter was three months away and the weather wasn’t cold.

Traffic slowed to a crawl where First Street started up a hill. Then it sopped completely where two lanes became one because the blacktop was torn up for construction. There was construction all over town. Driving had been a nightmare for a year. Holes in the road, gravel trucks, concrete trucks, blacktop spreaders. The man with the rifle lifted his hand off the wheel. Pulled back his cuff. Checked his watch.

****

Five o’clock on a Friday afternoon is the hardest time to move unobserved through the city, or quite possibly the easiest, since nobody pays attention to anything except the road ahead.

A man sat behind the wheel of a weather beaten mini van; his rifle was his sole companion as he drove north. In an effort to remain inconspicuous, he maintained the speed limit. Occasionally, he glanced through sunglasses, glossing over a multitude of vehicles.

Traffic slowed to crawl. Construction all up and down First Street cluttered the cars from a two lane blacktop to a busted up single lane. Tugging down on his newsy cap, the man peered over his shades and through darkened windows; work crews chatted while gravel trucks and asphalt spreaders lazily rode on by.

Forced to a stop, the man let out a huff, gripping his wheel tighter. The gloves covering his hands squeaked, and he shifted a finger from the wheel to fiddle with the top button of his rain jacket. A cloudy sky was certainly threatening rain, but a little water was of no concern; the eyes of men were, however, and he tugged his collar up, covering his cheek.

Gritting his teeth, the man slid back a beige sleeve to check his watch. It displayed Five O’ One. A minute down, and yet the road had sat in disrepair for a year.

Thank you for reading. My apologies if my rage has spilled over to the screen, but I am outraged by horrendous writing, and even more so, by bad editing. To top it off, I am in loathing of the fact that numerous, indie writers present better looking (in terms of technical writing) manuscripts, yet literary agents turn them down, stating that they are in need of editing. WHY?! To wind up like this mess? Few indie stories I have read are written worse than this abortion, and more often, indie writers can’t even afford an editor, but what is the point? Even if they present a perfect manuscript, the publishers’ editors will reduce a brilliant manuscript to dreck.

Yes, I am steaming. Yes, I am venting on my blog. Someone has to let people know that this is NOT acceptable, and I have taken it upon myself to preserve the higher standard of story telling.

Thanks again. Next week, I’ll be coming down on showing versus telling…something the editors of One Shot clearly can’t comprehend.

EDIT: 12/10/2016 at 1:49pm

Due to the nature of the comment regarding that The Chicago Manual of Style promotes the use of starting sentences with a conjunction, I provide the following from The Sixteenth Edition of The Chicago Manual of Style:

1st

2nd

Nowhere does it promote such behavior. Now, in the event that the pictures are a bit difficult to see, I will also type out exactly what the Manual states.

5.206 Beginning a sentence with a conjunction. There is a widespread belief–one with no historical or grammatical foundation–that it is an error to begin a sentence with a conjunction such as and, but, or so. In fact, a substantial percentage (often as many as 10 percent) of the sentences in first-rate writing begin with conjunctions. It has been so for centuries, and even the most conservative grammarians have followed this practice. Charles Allen Lloyd’s 1938 words fairly sum up the situation as it stands even today:

Next to the groundless notion this it is incorrect to end an English sentence with a preposition, perhaps the most wide-spread of the many false beliefs about the use of our language is the equally groundless notion that it is incorrect to begin one with “but” or “and.” As in the case of the superstition about the prepositional ending, no textbook supports it, but apparently about half of our teachers of English go out of their way to handicap their pupils by inculcating it. One cannot help wondering whether those who teach such a monstrous doctrine ever read any English themselves.

Still, but as an adversative conjunction can occasionally be unclear at the beginning of a sentence. Evaluate the contrasting force of the but in question, and see whether the needed word is really and; if and can be substituted, then but is certainly the wrong word. Consider this example: He went to school this morning. But he left his lunchbox on the kitchen table. Between those sentences is an elliptical idea, since the two actions are in no way contradictory. What is implied is something like this: He went to school, intending to have lunch there, but he left his lunch behind. Because and would have made sense in the passage as originally stated, but  is not the right word–the idea for the contrastive but should be explicit. To sum up, then, but is a perfectly proper word to open a sentence, but only if that idea it introduces truly contrasts with what precedes. For that matter, but is often an effective word for introducing a paragraph that develops an idea contrary to the one preceding it.

That is the end of this moron’s rant. Did you notice he never once started with a conjunction?!?! Now, let me explain why this conjunction business is erroneous.

To begin with, it is stated that a single person–Lloyd–feels it is alright to start a sentence with a conjunction–one guy! Second, he makes a completely incorrect assumption within his own context.

Evaluate the contrasting force of the but in question, and see whether the needed word is really and; if and can be substituted, then but is certainly the wrong word. Consider this example: He went to school this morning. But he left his lunchbox on the kitchen table. Between those sentences is an elliptical idea, since the two actions are in no way contradictory. What is implied is something like this: He went to school, intending to have lunch there, but he left his lunch behind.

First of all, but is not always but. Sometimes, but can be replaced by however, or except, or yet, so it is imperative to know what you mean when you write but. Second, the correct sentence is: He went to school, but he left his lunchbox on the kitchen table.

Now, now, that the but in question is separated by the comma, and it is no longer the beginning of the sentence, everything Lloyd said becomes moot, hence; you do not start a sentence with a conjunction. That solves everything that moron just said. Furthermore, starting with a conjunction: But he left his lunchbox on the kitchen table is not a sentence. It isn’t even a fragment because the main clause, and the only clause, is: He left his lunchbox on the kitchen table.

Now, beyond that, to say that his two broken sentences imply the following: Between those sentences is an elliptical idea, since the two actions are in no way contradictory. What is implied is something like this: He went to school, intending to have lunch there, but he left his lunch behind.

No, it isn’t. What’s implied is that on every other occasion that he went to school, he brought his lunchbox. That’s what’s implied. Lloyd is a complete moron who doesn’t understand the English language.

It’s clear to me, that Lloyd is implying that his second sentence could have been started with However, and in that case, he would be right because however isn’t one of the FANBOYS conjunctions with which we do not start a sentence. The sentence then becomes: However, he left his lunchbox on the kitchen table.

Now, let’s get back to something else he said: In fact, a substantial percentage (often as many as 10 percent) of the sentences in first-rate writing begin with conjunctions.

10% is hardly substantial! Moreover, who decides what is first-rate writing? Which books is he talking about specifically? Which authors? On top of that, does he mean that 10% of sentences all of which are dialogue?

You do not start a sentence with a conjunction. It’s that simple. Don’t do it. If you hire me as an editor, I will tell you not to do it.

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What is a prologue and why do I need one?

self aggrandizing aaron

A prologue is an introductory segment of a body of work. Writers can implement a prologue if there’s some back story, which requires explaining before a reader jumps into the main story. Sometimes, in a series, the prologue gives a quick recap of the previous book, which helps readers dive into the second book without having read the first, or it just refreshes the memory for those who have read the first book.

Perhaps, one of the most popular and familiar prologues of all time is the one from Star Wars, a New Hope. Strange that a movie had a prologue; movie goers generally want to watch a scene unfold rather than read it, but it seemed as though the story needed some explaining before the viewer dove in, but was it necessary? Did it even accomplish its job?

No, it didn’t. In fact, the New Hope prologue is one of the worst prologues of all time. Not only does it provide zero information, and not only was that lack of information irrelevant, but the information that was provided had little to do with the plot, characters, and setting; the prologue didn’t even set the mood for the story.

Let me ask some questions.

Who is the empire?

What have they done that’s so bad it has inspired rebellion?

What are the empire’s goals?

Who are the rebels?

Against what are they rebelling?

What are their goals?

Has anyone tried peace talks?

Who are the aliens?

From where did the Jedi originate?

Now, before you go answering any of these questions, remember that when the movie first came out, none of the other movies existed, and so, certainly, some questions have been answered later on, throughout the series, but many of these questions could have been easily addressed in the prologue, since they decided to include one to begin with.

In other words, while a prologue is far from necessary, if a writer chooses to use one, they must implement one properly.

I recall my first prologue, and it was nothing more than an info dump. I spent five pages—and I mean five, computer pages, 8.5 by 11, not some 6 by 9 book pages—five pages of boring, monotonous, facts all leading up to the story. It hadn’t occurred to me to explain the facts in the story. I thought I needed to lay out all the complicated factors, which resulted in the story’s plot, but that’s not storytelling, that’s just reportage, and a writer, or an editor, has to know when to use each.

Once I learned how to write, and how to spin a yarn, I rewrote the story in question. I do not have the original prologue, but I have the updated version, and while it is still a dry account of facts, which lead into the story, the whole of the spiel was cut down from nearly 3,000 words—a short story in itself—to 458 words.

Check it out-

Man yearns to explore, learn, perceive, and break beyond the bonds of limitation. Great, philosophic minds pondered such implications, giving rise to questions with no answer. Who are we? Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? Are we alone in the universe? Can we reach for the stars?

That first segment sets the mood, an inquisitive mood, which showcases the philosophic dreams of mankind. The last two questions also help to reinforce the fact that the following story is of the sci fi genre, which is, of course, obvious by the title, cover, and blurb.

A decade into the Twenty First Century, a space exploration program known as NASA retired their shuttle, stating their space station, the ISS, was sufficient to advance man’s knowledge of space; no more flights to the moon were needed, probes were built to reach other planets, yet a question was raised; was NASA truly marooning their scientists in Earth’s orbit? Was there, really, no shuttle in reserve for emergency protocol?

The second segment provided just a bit of back story, but it also opened a conspiratorial line of questions, which also helps to set the mood, as the story is quite conspiratorial in nature, but that becomes more apparent in the novel itself.

What no one knew was that a new vessel had already been designed and produced. A drone shuttle carried equipment to the ISS, building materials, and there, the engineers constructed new probes. Launching them from beyond Earth’s gravitational pull allowed the tiny machines to explore without immense fuel requirements. New studies had commenced.

The third segment answers some questions, but it also redirects the readers’ line of thought. They are taken from the context of the known and plunged into the possibilities, which must be considered for the story to make sense. Furthermore, the possibilities are reasonable; building probes on the space station and sending them out from there does cut the fuel requirement, since they don’t have to fight gravity. A little science has been mixed into the fiction.

Survey satellites were then built and released to specified coordinates. Their role was to relay any information gathered by probes back to Earth. It took little time to obtain great findings. Less than a year into the program, the probes detected abundant deposits of precious minerals in asteroids both inside and outside the solar system. The next step required mining probes to retrieve the deposits. A new age began when humans no longer needlessly harvested their own planet’s resources.

Again, this segment answers potential questions, but it also creates some hope. Regardless of your political beliefs, is it not true that there is an abundance of resources available off world? How cool would it be to live in a world where precious metals are mined from asteroids and flown back to earth? Are you not already curious about this particular story?

A few decades down the road, survey probes revealed more than just resources; asteroids, moons, and planets were deemed acceptable for colonization with little cost or effort, however, there was always the obstacle of time. A journey from Earth to the closest sites meant decades of travel. Great minds set their combined efforts on the task, and a solution was proposed; send colonies to midway stations on small asteroids.

Here, the first idea tackled is that of colonizing with little cost or effort. In our world, today, as of 2016, such a thing is obviously quite costly, but the prologue states that it isn’t, and since the writer states that such is the case of this particular, sci fi adventure, the reader must accept the statement at face value. Furthermore, there is a reasonable solution presented to a problem most of us are aware exists; we cannot travel to even the nearest solar system, which is about four light years away. It takes almost a year to reach Mars! Another assumption is turned to fact by this segment, though. Since a couple of decades have passed, one cane assume the year is somewhere around 2040, and by then, we’ll certainly be able to reach the nearest planets in no time, so sending colonists to midway stations is the reasonable solution. This entire segment picks up from the last one; it obliterates the reader’s current knowledge of space travel and replaces it with the story’s version of space knowledge.

It was no surprise to NASA that very few volunteered. Many citizens of Earth were comfortable and happy in their lives. A move to a colonial life in space was practically permanent, and traveling for years only to live in the desolation of space was frightening. Then, the military stepped in, looking to soldiers for support. Project Safe Haven was announced.

Once more, the reasonable solution; no way anyone, especially someone living on earth during a time when resources are brought in from off world, wants to spend five, ten, twenty years traveling to an undeveloped colony, which might not even function, but if soldiers are ordered to do so, they’ll do it. This also sets up the story. For one, it implies that soldiers aren’t fighting against other countries. Secondly, it is a sound assumption that if the military started the colonies then each colony is a military base. Naturally, all the newer colonies will be military installations, so there’s a trend started by this segment; the military has control. This is a military, sci fi adventure.

In the year 2111, almost fifty years after the first successful colony, Admiral John Lay, the overseer of Safe Haven, commissioned Captain Riley O’Hara to lead a team of scientists and engineers aboard the Phoenix, a vessel orbiting a planet called Eon. The new ship and the new crew were set to break new ground; The Horizon Project was employed to begin colonization of the first planet outside the Sol system. O’Hara was beyond psyched.

Finally, readers have the last nugget of Intel. They know the year. They know the place. They know the reason. They know who the protagonist is, but there’s also something overlooked. If it’s been nearly fifty years since the first, successful colony, were there failed colonies…? As they say, the stage has been set, and now readers aren’t just prepared for the story, they are a part of the story.

I always believe it is imperative that a writer writes out every, single, little, tiny detail, even if that turns into an info dump. While the story is being written, while it is being discovered, piece by piece, by the writer, it becomes necessary to jot down all pieces of the puzzle, but, it is during the editing process, which is so far beyond proof reading, that an editor must remove all the extra pieces of the puzzle.

When placing together puzzle pieces, and you see the picture on the lid is a cat, the cat is all you really care about. You don’t care about the half of a ball of yarn in the top corner. You know it’s a corner piece by the shape of the puzzle piece. The same goes for stories, I think; the prologue is the shape, and the rest of the story is the cat, and each piece of the puzzle completes the story.

Let’s look at another prologue. This one is 223 words. It’s the prologue to one of my novellas. I don’t usually use a prologue for a body of work that’s under 70,000 words, but I really needed to set the stage for this story because it is very outlandish-

Fear, despair, rage, lust; these are base feelings, emotions, which run through the essence of man. It is odd to say that no one has sat back and questioned the value of these emotions, but it is even more odd to ask why no one has done so. Certainly, it can be agreed upon that people have questioned the purpose of life, but to what extent?

I’m sure you see a trend in my writing; I wax philosophically. First and foremost, this prologue states: if you don’t want to think, don’t read this book.

Is there more to life than money? More than sex? Whoever pursues a life without such great pleasures? Most men, normal men, crave the deep darkness of the Id, the passion, heat, and flame of the most immediate gratifications, yet in the end, everyone leads the same life, suffers the same pitfalls, repeats the same thoughts and conversations over and over again, and all while considering themselves unique.

This jabs the first point further. Hopefully, it does raise the question; if we’re all so unique, how come we can be so easily analyzed by psychological formulae? Why is it that all our friends have the same problems, the same complaints, and why is it that we do repeat to our minds the same dialogue over and over again? Perhaps it is this stagnant repetition, which has mired our lives…? Again, the stage is set, bearing the question, but what else is there?

Now, let me tell you that a Shadowman is never concerned with such trivialities. A Shadowman sneaks between the world of light and dark; as such, he cannot possibly fret over the mundane, for while he traipses through the world of men, his eyes are perennially on the prowl for something more abstract, something ephemeral, something incomprehensibly inhuman. Now, I’m going to tell you the story of my life, but not my life as a man in the world of men; the story of my life as a Shadowman.

I’ll bet you’re ready to find out what a Shadowman is. In just three paragraphs the eerie mood has been provided. The reader’s mind has been opened, and if not, the reader has left, and that’s okay; not all stories are for everyone.

The one you thing you’ll notice about this prologue versus the previous one is that no information has been provided in this one. The first prologue basically provided a history lesson before presenting the story. This prologue pulled you from the confines of the known in order to provide an inkling that there is an unknown out there waiting to be discovered.

Finally, I’ll present a prologue that recaps a previous title. It runs at 541 words, which makes it one of my longest prologues, but I’ll discuss it detail-

An amnesiac mercenary called Scar appeared in the middle of the territorial disputes of Tiamhaal. He brought a whirlwind of change, the kind of change no one expected. That man was in actuality the avatar of Eternus, the Dragon of Time, a being outside the realm of human comprehension. Eternus was the universe, it was the ineffable creator of all that was, but having taken a liking to a particular world, it sent a portion of itself to the world of men.

The protagonist is immediately introduced as is the world. The readers also know that this is a fantasy adventure revolving around men and dragons. Furthermore, the mind has been assaulted by the fact that the creator of existence is a dragon, and that the dragon sent himself as a man to the world in order to do something.

Crafted from the clay at the edge of the world and fashioned from the eight, guiding principles of man, Scar, the mercenary, was sent to slay the Dragons, and so he was named Sarkany, the Dragon Slayer, yet his fashioning was not without flaws, and he lost his memories. Finding himself traveling aimlessly, seeking only to learn of his origins, Scar was beset by Dracos, the followers of Drac, Dragon of Fire, and then he was manipulated by Zoltek, Negus of the Zmajans, followers of the Dragon of Destruction, and finally, the warrior was sent by King Gilgamesh of Satrone, a worshipper of Kulshedra, Dragon of Truth, to the ruined kingdom of Alduheim where a forgotten memory lay buried in darkness.

You might be able to tell that the story, or the prologue, at least, has been written in a manner that imitates Biblical tones, so not only has the stage been set, but the production has also been set; readers know they’re in for something that reads somewhat archaic. On top of that, a great deal of what transpired in the first book is explained, but rather than being provided as a bland reportage, it is a story in and of itself. There is also proof that the world is at war, and that the protagonist is in the mix to do something outlandish, yet there is an air of mystery- the forgotten memories.

It was there that he and his men found a paladin, a warrior named Ylithia, who fought in the name of Mekosh, a true God, the God of Severity, and even though paladins had always maintained that the Dragons were posing as Gods, most people of Tiamhaal had never taken them seriously, yet what was witnessed beneath the rubble of Alduheim united them in their efforts to reveal the truth to their kings and queens. The leaders of every tribe had established their own countries under the name of their Dragon Lord posing as God; constantly, they fought for territory, supremacy, religious beliefs, and even peace. Things changed when warriors of Kulshedra, Scultone, Fafnir, and Tiamat joined forces with Scar and Ylithia, but their plan to bring to light the lies of Dragons was short lived; Scar and Ylithia fell in love and left kings and pawns to squabble amongst themselves.

Now the underlying order of the novel, or the series, in this case, has been provided- Dragons have posed as Gods, but there are real Gods, and there are warriors who have chosen to listen to the real Gods rather than the Dragons. Also, readers know that in the previous novel, the protagonist fell in love, and that created some sort of problem.

The two abandoned Gods and Dragons for a life of peace, but the spurned King Gilgamesh had other plans, and he sent his men to kill Scar, yet he was away, and it was Ylithia, who was cut down without mercy, and for that act of betrayal, Scar took his sword, joined his old friend, Labolas, invaded the impregnable palace, Inneshkigal, and killed Gilgamesh before all the Kulshedrans of Tironis. Upon the king’s death, Scar was transported to Drangue, where he battled the mighty Kulshedra, a misty whorl of a Dragon, and the Dragon Slayer took the beast’s soul.

Several details are provided, yet still in an entertaining fashion. This story, which is just a prologue employed to rehash the previous title, or explain to people joining the show a little a late, reveals what happened when the protagonist abandoned his ordained duties, yet the discord was resolved, if by gruesome means. What readers don’t see is the abundance of information regarding the key players, because that belongs in the narrative, the actual story. They do, however, learn that the hero has rejoined the battlefront and killed a dragon and somehow stole its essence. Having mentioned such a thing entices a reader to wonder why stealing the dragon’s soul happened, how it happened, and what can be done with the soul; it engages the audience’s mind.

Since then, the Kulshedrans have lost their powers—the ability to augment their armor through Dragon’s magic—and they struggle to maintain their borders, their culture, their lives, but Scar is far from finished; he owes someone a debt of blood, and so he has journeyed back to Usaj, the land of destruction ruled by the mighty Zoltek. In Meshoptam, capitol of Usaj, Scar, the pale skinned, seven foot giant in black, leather armor, has slain the Zmajan, royal guards and come face to face with an old foe….

Finally, the readers are caught up. Everything from the previous book, without the minutiae, has been provided in story form. They know the hero, they know the villains, they have an idea as to why some people worship dragons—they do provide magic—and they know what’s about to happen.

In short, prologues are mood setters, and sometimes, they also provide pertinent information. They must be entertaining, however, and they must be brief; people bought a book to read a story, not learn and memorize facts. I have even seen some prologues lay out a cast of characters. DO NOT DO THAT. No reader will ever commit to memory the names of fifty characters and their scant descriptions. Why would they? They haven’t read the story, so they don’t care about the cast yet.

If you, as a writer, wish to provide a cast of characters, names of planets, or fictional countries, or races of aliens, or what have you, place that at the end of the book as an appendix. Personally, I do enjoying flipping through back pages and reading those kinds of details, but I’ll skip them if they’re at the beginning of the story; I’ll probably even skip the story because it’s intimidating to so much as think that I might have to memorize details just to be able to participate in the story. It also makes me wonder if the story is lacking; I mean, it must be if the writer has to provide such details before starting.

Finally, to tackle the last question, do I need a prologue?

No. You never need a prologue. Everything that a prologue does can be done in the first chapter of a story. I wrote a Skyrim fanfiction, and it just starts with chapter one. There was no need to dive into what led the dark elf to question magickal theory; I just presented his case through character interactions, but should you choose to implement a prologue, make sure to edit the prologue just as you do the story; cut everything that doesn’t need to be there.

Thanks for reading. If you have comments, concerns, feedback, or whatever, don’t hesitate. I’m always open for discussion. In my next post, I’m going to tackle a mainstream novel and discuss why sentence fragments cheese my corn.

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Structure

self aggrandizing aaron

Welcome back, everyone. Last time we touched a little bit on the words would and could, and how they make writing sound weak.

This time, I want to touch on something a little bit different, yet it is still correlated to weak writing. I want to talk about the overall structure of sentences and paragraphs.

Once again, I’ve delved into the works of a “Best Selling Author”. I put it in quotations because this is an excerpt of the first few lines of Gary Lindberg’s The Shekinah Legacy. This is another author who simply says he’s a best seller, and he even goes so far as to photoshop a best selling award label onto the cover of his books, but if you check his books’ rankings, he’s far from best seller status.

That said, if he chose to misrepresent his books, he may have achieved Amazon Best Seller; it isn’t difficult to do. All you need is to choose an obscure set of labels for your book, like Free Masonry and Christian Murder. Then, you sell three copies, and your book is a “best seller”, for two or three hours, but long enough to snap a screen shot of your rank, and then you can show everyone how amazing you are, calling yourself a “Best Selling Author”.

Readers, however, see right through it. Readers take a look at the first pages of a book, and they know right away if the author has the makings of a best seller.

Best selling authors have great editors to translate the author’s dry account into a wonderful experience. This book either lacked an editor, or Lindberg used an incompetent editor.

As always, I have provided the original, published work—just a couple of lines, which any lookie-loo can scrutinize by taking advantage of Amazon’s look inside feature—followed by my inspection and rewrite, and the reason behind it.

Let’s take a look.

Some day you will read this, my dear, and see more clearly how things came to be. I pray to God that you will forgive me for not having had the wisdom or foresight to prevent the tragedies that befell our little family, though the great sweep of history was against us, as you know.

Alright, that’s not a terrible opener. It’s only two sentences, and paragraphs are normally a minimum of three sentences, but this is somewhat appealing; we know that someone has left someone else a note. We know there was some tragedy, but what is this business of a great sweep? The metaphor has eluded me. Furthermore, it is my belief that this should have been in italics; style matters as structure is more than the just the order of words, it is also the punctuation we see, as that punctuation changes the voice and tone in a reader’s head.

You may remember that I have always been a compulsive note taker; perhaps that’s why I was drawn to broadcast journalism where my notepad and digital voice recorder were my most faithful companions. My notes are serving me well now.

Okay, the monologue was originally referring to their little family, right? Tragedies befell them and all that; but now we see something strange. It reads You may remember that…. which begs the question; how can such a tight family forget? Obviously, they won’t, which makes that first sentence a little awkward, plus it goes on to say that perhaps, that was why he was drawn to journalism. People usually know why they enter a career field, especially one so complex and demanding as broadcast journalism, which requires years of schooling and internships. Moreover, I don’t really know what note taking has to do with broadcast journalism; they aren’t really note takers; they’re investigators, who might take notes.

I have never had trouble finding the start of a story except for this one. The real story, I’m sure, began thousands of years ago, but it seems now that the best lead-in to our story was in Iraq, so I will begin there. Every good news story starts with a teaser to grab the audience, and this one certainly got my attention.

Wait a minute! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! We just read a moment ago that his notes were serving him well. What happened? Also, the word our, which is italicized, was underlined in the original work. On top of that, we’re getting so many mixed messages that none of this makes any sense.

His notes are serving him well, but he can’t find the beginning of the story, yet he’s sure it began thousands of years ago. It’s all over the place and confusing. Let’s push forwards.

I remember that it was impossibly hot and dry on that Tuesday morning in Baghdad. The wind had stirred up a dust storm so thick that you could stare directly at the sun without hurting your eyes. Everything around us was eerily tinted orange. It was like being stuck in a block of amber looking out. I turned to my cameraman, Curt.

Hold the phone, Sally. Just a moment ago, we were told that every news story starts with a teaser to grab the audience, and that this one certainly got his attention. What’s the teaser? What’s happening? Has the internal monologue—the note—ended? Are we in the story now, or is this still the note that the person is supposedly reading? If it is, why is the weather important? What is it like to be stuck inside a block of amber? Doesn’t that cause death? Looking through a block of amber, perhaps, but this is just bad writing, bad story telling.

This is not best selling material…but it can be turned into best selling material by a real editor. I’m not questioning the appeal, ingenuity, or entertainment value of the story hidden between the poor structure; I’m questioning the value of the poor structure, but I think I can patch it up.

My rewrite:

My Dear, I hope that you read this one day and understand how things came to be. I pray to God that you will forgive my lack of wisdom, my lack of foresight, the very causes of the tragedy that befell our family. The great sweep of history, however, is against us.

(My notes: I still don’t know what a great sweep is, but I’ll leave it as it may be the author’s personal touch. You’ll noticed I italicized it all, which I’ll bet makes it sound like it’s echoing in your head now, right? It is also three sentences long.)

You know I’ve always been a compulsive note taker—it’s why I was drawn into broadcast journalism—my notepad and digital voice recorder, my eternal companions. My notes are certainly serving me well, or they were…now I find myself unable to pinpoint the beginning of a story, a story I’m sure began thousands of years ago, yet all the details point to Iraq, so I’ll begin there.

Look at that change. We know they know he was a compulsive note taker. He isn’t wondering what pulled him to journalism, his devices aren’t faithful, as that doesn’t make sense, but eternal companions, and we see that his notes were serving well, but now, there is trouble. Suspense has been built. We can practically hear the deliberation in his voice. We have been pulled in.

I cut the line about the teaser. That sentence bugged me to no end because the teaser is never provided, and I’m not going to come up with one. A real editor tells his writer to provide at least one or two lines if he’s going to mention the teaser at all. Also, I added a scene break between the previous set of lines and these following lines as I believe the note he left behind has ended, and now we are in the story.

That first Tuesday morning in Baghdad was brutally hot and dry. Such a dust storm whirled through the air; the sun was shrouded by an orange haze. It was amidst a coughing fit that I turned to my cameraman, Curt.

We still have the orange haze, we know it’s hot, we know it’s dry, and it’s so hot, dry, and dusty, that he has a coughing fit. Now, this is real. Now, this is a story, and no longer a dry account of things. This is the difference between showing and telling.

Below, read the original. Then, let’s read the rewrite and see how it feels.

Some day you will read this, my dear, and see more clearly how things came to be. I pray to God that you will forgive me for not having had the wisdom or foresight to prevent the tragedies that befell our little family, though the great sweep of history was against us, as you know.

You may remember that I have always been a compulsive note taker; perhaps that’s why I was drawn to broadcast journalism where my notepad and digital voice recorder were my most faithful companions. My notes are serving me well now.

I have never had trouble finding the start of a story except for this one. The real story, I’m sure, began thousands of years ago, but it seems now that the best lead-in to our story was in Iraq, so I will begin there. Every good news story starts with a teaser to grab the audience, and this one certainly got my attention.

I remember that it was impossibly hot and dry on that Tuesday morning in Baghdad. The wind had stirred up a dust storm so thick that you could stare directly at the sun without hurting your eyes. Everything around us was eerily tinted orange. It was like being stuck in a block of amber looking out. I turned to my cameraman, Curt.

Versus

My Dear, I hope that you read this one day and understand how things came to be. I pray to God that you will forgive my lack of wisdom, my lack of foresight, the very causes of the tragedy that befell our family. The great sweep of history, however, is against us.

You know I’ve always been a compulsive note taker—it’s why I was drawn into broadcast journalism—my notepad and digital voice recorder, my eternal companions. My notes are certainly serving me well, or they were…now I find myself unable to pinpoint the beginning of a story, a story I’m sure began thousands of years ago, yet all the details point to Iraq, so I’ll begin there.


That first Tuesday morning in Baghdad was brutally hot and dry. Such a dust storm whirled through the air; the sun was shrouded by an orange haze. It was amidst a coughing fit that I turned to my cameraman, Curt.

There’s a blatant difference in the quality of the two works, although they both insinuate similar ideas, the second version of the story reads far better. It is strong, assertive, and it leaves the reader no wiggle room to envision something else.

Thanks for reading. Comment if you agree or disagree. Share if you want.

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