I woke up at 1 43 am and wrote this on February 12^th of 2019. It took me less than 3 hours.

The Item, a Family Guy episode written by Aaron Dennis of www.storiesbydennis.com

This screenplay is based on Family Guy, a Fox show. Feel free, Fox TV, to adapt as much of it as you like.

Enjoy The Item

Peter is driving a little cart in a mall during closing hour. He’s driving some old woman through a lingerie store towards the exit. It looks like maybe she works there.

Peter: Night, Beatrice.

Beatrice: Good night, Peter.

She steps off the cart at the glass door. Peter opens it, knocks her out with one punch, and pushes her out the door with his foot.

Cut to Brian who is looking at a corpse in a Brookstone. There are lots of recliners.

Brian thinks: Man, I haven’t seen Peter kill anyone in forever.

Cut scene to 45 minutes earlier when Peter stabs a teenage girl who was taking a picture with her cell phone. He grabs the phone and runs off screen.

Back to Brian rifling through the corpse’s inner jacket pocket. You see he is looking at an item in his hand, but you don’t see the item. He pockets it. Brian is then walking up an escalator, which is off. Before he reaches the top, Peter rolls up in the cart and begins to drive it down the escalator. Brian flips out but manages to hop into the cart unharmed.

Peter: Hold your horses. Hold your horses. Hold your horses.

They barely make it to the bottom of the escalator, gingerly reach the doors, and then Peter floors it through the glass doors.

Mall parking lot.

Peter: Where does the saying hold your horses come from?

Brian: It’s from the past, when people stopped and held their horses.

Cut scene to 50 minutes earlier. The teenage girl has her phone out and is telling Peter and Brian to hold their horses.

Peter: God, you’re beautiful.

He and the horse are hugging and staring lovingly into each others’ eyes. Peter can’t help but to kiss the horse. The horse kisses back. Peter flips out because the girl is still taking pictures, so he kills her and takes her phone.

Mall parking lot.

Peter: Did you find it?

Brian: It was in the Brookstone manager’s pocket. How did you manage to miss it?

Peter shrugs.

Show opens. Peter and Brian are inspecting the item in the kitchen, but you still don’t get to see it when Lois walks in.

Lois: What’re you two up to? You’ve been acting weird all evening.

Peter: Nuh-uh, you’re the one who is actin’ all weird.

Lois sighs: You’re acting even goofier than when you were possessed by the ghost of Dr. Mengele.

Cut scene to Peter in an SS outfit sewing Meg and Chris back to back.

Brian is standing by plucking petals off a daisy, saying: I love you. I love you not. I love you. I love you not.

Chris: Ow! Dad! Please, stop it. I’m supposed to be watching my educational program!

Meg: Yeah, get off of us, you fuck tard!

Peter finishes sewing them and runs off. Chris shuffles over to a remote and presses the button. You hear porn sounds. He looks happy. Meg looks despondent.

Back to kitchen.

Brian: That wasn’t as bad as when you got Stewie that Ka-Ge-Ki machine.

Cut scene to Stewie. He is the Ka-Ge-Ki guy in jeans fighting The Motorcycle Gang Warriors from the arcade game.

Back to kitchen.

Lois: Well, just promise me you’ll stay out of trouble. Our lawyer bill is already puttin’ us in the poor house.

She starts pulling groceries from the fridge to cook dinner. Peter and Brian walk outside.

Outdoors.

Brian: So, what do we do now?

Peter: Quagmire was in the Navy. Maybe, he knows someone who can help us out.

They walk to Glen’s home.

Quagmire: Get that big, brown ass inside. I’m gonna’ throw a saddle on you, and ride you so—! Peter, what-uh, what’s up?

As Peter and Brian approach Quagmire, a horse walks up to Glen’s opened door. You see the horse and Peter exchange a somber glance.

Peter mutters: Slut. Hey, listen, Quagmire, Brian and I found somethin’ interestin’. We figured maybe you know some seamen what can help us out.

Brian: I think he means someone in Naval Intelligence.

Quagmire: What is it?

You see they are showing Glen the item, and he looks puzzled.

Quagmire: Where’d you get it?

Peter: Never mind that. You know anyone?

Glen looks displeased. He gives Brian a dirty look.

Quagmire: My dad might.

Brian looks uncomfortable, and says: Maybe, I should, uh, be getting off of this ride….

Peter: Nonsense. Who cares that you fucked Quagmire’s dad. It’s the 90’s!

Brian: It isn’t, but you’re right. We’re all about tolerance now. A straight guy can nail a dude who identifies as a girl, and he’s not gay, so—

Quagmire: Alright! Alright! Alright! Just go home. I’ll call ya’ in the morning.

Back in the house, everyone is sitting down for dinner.

Lois: Anyone seen Stewie?

Cut scene to Stewie fighting another Ka-Ge-Ki guy.

Back to dinner table.

Peter: I ain’t seen ‘im.

Lois: Well, I’m gettin’ worried. I’m gonna’ check on him. Chris, eat your vegetables.

Meg: Yeah, Chris, eat your vegetables.

As Lois leaves, she mutters: I shoulda’ had those abortions.

Joe and the police are inspecting the mall, which is an obvious crime scene. Cleveland walks up, and the entire police force draws their guns on him.

Cleveland: A black man can’t even get a damn Orange Julius.

Peter, Glen, Ida, and Brian are meeting up in someone’s old, beat up RV. The twitchy guy is looking over the item, which you still can’t see it. Ida smiles awkwardly at Brian, and Glen grumbles.

Peter: So? What do ya’ think?

Navy guy: Nowadays, people are storing information in all kinds of trinkets. I’m not really sure what this is.

Peter: Bitcoin? Is it Bitcoin?

Ida: What’s Bitcoin?

Brian: A joke.

Quagmire: I mean, where do you spend it? I’ve tried to use it at every online porn shop I can find, but even the Chinese sex doll shop in Shenzhen doesn’t take it.

Navy guy: Yeah, it isn’t Bitcoin, but it sure does look like an information storage device. Where did you say you got it?

Peter: I killed the Brookstone guy for it.

Quagmire: Why?

Peter: It was shiny, and I wanted it.

Brian shakes his head, adding: I’m the one who recovered it.

Peter: And you’re a good boy, Brian.

Brian shyly shuffles his foot, saying: Well, shucks, Peter.

Navy guy: Well, if you ask me, it’s probably secret black ops data. Like deep, dark stuff; the kind of deep, dark stuff you know you’re not supposed to get into, but damn does it look good.

Brian and Ida glance at each other, and Ida mutters: I love it when someone gets in deep and dark.

Quagmire: For fuck’s sake.

At the Griffin house, on the couch, the family is watching TV. Tom Tucker is talking about the mall crime scene.

Tucker: Quahog police believe this is the work of Donald Trump, who so obviously wants to find a new animal to glue to his scalp. In other news, a gang comprised of what appear to be a bunch of Japanese calling themselves The Motorcycle Gang Warriors is terrorizing the city. If only we had a wall.

Kinney: That’s right, but fortunately one fighter can stand up to them.

Cut scene to Stewie fighting another Ka-Ge-Ki guy.

Back to news.

Tucker: We’re all just waiting for Tom Brady and the Patriots to get back out on the field and embarrass the rest of the NFL. Now, Ollie with the weather.

Ollie: It’s hot!

Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.

Lois: I hope Stewie didn’t get out. It sounds like this town is goin’ to shit.

Meg: Maybe, you should get off your ass and go find your baby.

Peter: Shut up, Meg.

Lois: Whatever happened with that thing you were gonna’ show Ida?

Peter: This thing? No one knows what the hell it is.

Lois takes it. You see her inspecting it. She hands it back to Peter.

Lois: Well, if it ain’t a vacuum cleaner, I can’t help you.

Peter holds up a gold coin, and says: Everyone is stupid but me.

He unwraps the coin and eats a chocolate coin.

Brian: You committed murder for a chocolate coin?!

Peter: That’s right, Brian, but not just any chocolate coin. It was the first chocolate coin…made fresh this mornin’.

Stewie strolls up still dressed like the Ka-Ge-Ki guy. There’s no room on the couch.

Stewie: Make some room before I start beatin’ some ass.

You hear the game ask: Are you ready? Then, the Ka-Ge-Ki music starts up.

The end, assholes.

Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. I also hope someone helps me get this thing produced. I really don’t even care about money, I just wan the credit for writing a Family Guy episode.

I know the show’s dynamics have changed, but if you ask me, the writers have all forgotten how to write jokes. Family Guy is supposed to be about jokes and 80’s references. I don’t need a cartoon trying to teach me the “right way” to live life, but I sure do want to rot my brain out for 30 minutes, so, yeah, share this please.

Also, here’s a link to Ka-Ge-Ki, so you can see it!